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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
i only drink on days that end with y
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC