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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
I dare you to spit on this status.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.