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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.