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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."