Daily Silly Status

Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.

If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.

Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery

You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.

If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG

I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!

I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.

One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children

I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!

If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.

Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?

My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?