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"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.