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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.