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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I`m tired of things costing money
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.