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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.