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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team