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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
“I saw that.” -Karma
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what