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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
This recliner and I go way back.
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.