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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.