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Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.