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The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .