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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.