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For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...