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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.