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Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.