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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.