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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!