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When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
We get it poets: things are like other things
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!