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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."