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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!