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Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.