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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Jesus is coming.... look busy
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.