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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.