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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.