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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things Iād go to hell for.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beer is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."