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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?