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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Is Nudeism a religion?
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."