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There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.