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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.