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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.