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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.