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It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.