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Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".. O_o
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"