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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.