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I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.