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I just love having sex with you...Next time I hope you are there with me.
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.