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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Tieam... problem solved