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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!