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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*