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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?