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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!