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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.