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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.