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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.