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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson