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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Marriage is for quitters
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
You look like I need another drink
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.