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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.