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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.