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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
Match dot com, but for socks.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.