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I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.