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So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever Iām making important life decisions.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor