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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.