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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Care less and you’ll stress less.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted