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Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone