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Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.