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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.