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Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.