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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
i hate that the sun comes up so early
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(