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What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.