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Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?