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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.