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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.