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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?