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Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over