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"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.