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Share this if you are weird and don`t care
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.