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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.