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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.