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"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.