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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.