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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.