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It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.