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Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-