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I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..