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The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming