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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"