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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking