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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.