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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.