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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Never trust a skinny chef
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…