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I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.