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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas