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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science