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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Tieam... problem solved
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!