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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!