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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.