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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?