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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
"Of course you`re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
This status has been censored by Facebook
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
why we do not have a romance class...............
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.