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Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.