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BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.