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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.