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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.