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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Word for the day is asstard
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.