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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.