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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?