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there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)