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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.