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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink