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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.