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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.