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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
pudding... thats always a funny word
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.